


Matters of the Heart

by potionsmaster



Series: Death Wish [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Blake doesn't know, Friendship, Gen, Kaidan is Dead, Memories, could be something there, possible flirting...?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 07:06:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9424640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster
Summary: Blakely remembers some bittersweet memories and possible missed opportunities





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BardofHeartDive](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardofHeartDive/gifts).



> we needed some lighter fare. That being said, I will still rip your heart out.

**_Matters of the Heart,_**  by potionsmaster

 

Rating: T for language, implied major character death 

 

 

~~~~~~

 

“Hold _still_ , Commander, you really need to -”

 

“- Re _l_ _ax_ , Kaidan, I’m fine.  Just...a little breathless.”

 

Ashley pulled off her helmet, hair sticking to her sweaty forehead while I ineffectively tried to bat the lieutenant away.  He fixed me with a ‘look’ and put his hand on my chestplate, preventing me from getting up off the crate in the warehouse we were currently housed in.  He was a lot stronger than he looked.  

 

“You need to sit still and let me look at you.  This isn’t normal.  Even for you.”

 

Astute, too.

 

Anderson really knew what he was doing when he chose Kaidan for head of the marine detail.  We were lucky enough that he was a whiz as a field medic, too.  If he didn’t like being in the field so much, ‘getting his hands dirty’, as he called it, I would have been willing to bet my Star of Terra from the Blitz that he would have been a doctor or surgeon.  He loomed over me, omni-tool glowing orange as he did a body scan.  Close enough I could smell the mint from his toothpaste and clean sweat trickling down his temple.  It was hard to breathe normally.

 

“Your heart rate is elevated and doesn’t seem to be going back to normal ranges.  We’ve been sitting here for over five minutes…”

 

“So?”

 

I received another ‘look’ and he crossed his arms over his chest.

 

“So your BPM is 113 and has been ever since we stopped moving.  You’re tachycardic and that’s worrying me.  You need to go to Dr Chakwas after we get back on the ship.”

 

Ash rolled her eyes.

 

“English, LT.  You’re such an egghead.”

 

“It just means our illustrious lieutenant here makes my heart go all a-flutter when he dotes upon me.  I’m breathless in anticipation,” I panted.  I didn’t want to tell him how lightheaded I was, though he could probably guess.  

 

“Hilarious.  Both of you,” he grumbled, pursing his lips as he closed down his omni-tool. I forced myself to breathe deeply and slow it down, concentrating on counting.   _In, two, three, four.  Out, two, three, four_. Kaidan eyed me surreptitiously and didn’t say anything, toying with his own helmet.  “Ash, go prep the Mako to move.  Mission objective’s met and as soon as Shepard’s ready, we’ll go.”

 

The gunnery chief glanced between the lieutenant and I.

 

“Yes, sir…” she said cautiously, slinking away.   Kaidan sat next to me on the crate, sighing tiredly.

 

“Commander,” he started, “I’m concerned.  I’ve been noticing a worrisome trend in your biostats on missions lately.”

 

“I’m _fine_ , Kaidan, I promise,” I replied, finally catching my breath again.  Blessed relief.  I inhaled deeply, air filling my lungs and making me almost light-headed again for a different reason.  “Nothing I can’t handle.”

 

“No offense, Commander, but your stats beg to differ.”

 

I glanced at him, his steady gaze holding mine, a little furrow between his eyebrows.  I sighed again, glad for the ability to take in a large breath.

 

“Your concern is noted.  I’m telling you it’s nothing.  If it happens again, I’ll go see Dr Chakwas.  Until then - ” I put my helmet on and stood up, “ - let it go, LT.”

 

After a moment he got up, too, and pursed his lips again.

 

“On your orders, sir.  But I still think you need to get checked.”

 

~~~~~~

 

Of all the things I was expecting when I came out of Engineering, seeing Kaidan pinned face down by Ashley on the mats was not one of them.  Nor was seeing Wrex chortling about it on the sidelines.  Even Garrus had taken a break from calibrating the Mako’s cannons and was hooting at them, greasy towel slung over his shoulder.  

 

“Give up, LT?” she grunted between gritted teeth. He put up a half-hearted struggle, laughing himself.  She leaned on his arm and used her feet to keep his legs spread, preventing him from being able to shake her off.

 

“Uncle,” he laughed, voice muffled.  I leaned on the lockers next to Wrex, watching in amusement.  Ash was pretty vicious in hand-to-hand.  Came with her feeling like she had to prove herself constantly.

 

“What was that?”

 

She leaned closer, putting more pressure on his arm.

 

“ _Ow_ , Ash...Uncle!”

 

He was still laughing at her, but trying to hide it.  It wasn’t working very well.  She released his arm and sat back on his rump, crossing her arms with a ‘humph’ of satisfaction.

 

“That’s what I thought, LT.  Pay up,” she smirked as she got up.  I raised my eyebrows in surprise; she slapped his butt cheek while he picked himself off the mat and he twisted away from her, ears pink.  That was...new.  I made a note to keep an eye on it.

 

“Yeah, yeah...I let you win,” he retorted.  He came over to where I was and opened his locker.  “Hey, Commander.  How’s it going?”  I moved out of his way.  Garrus lost interest and turned back to the Mako.  Wrex went over to the gunnery chief and started talking about how she should have headbutt him.

 

“Better now that I had that show,” I chuckled.  Kaidan pulled his pistol and removed the ammo mod, then slid the clip home.  “How long did it take her to get you?  Thirty seconds?”

 

“More like ten minutes.  But I was going easy on her…” He rolled his eyes but smiled as he tossed the mod to her.  “Wouldn’t want to kill her confidence, y’know?”

 

“ _Ha!_ ” she cackled, catching it.  “You wish, LT. This little beauty will come in handy...Thanks!”  She scampered off.

 

“That so.  Want a real challenge?” I offered.  He glanced at me, considering.  “No holding back.  Biotics fair game.”

 

“Yeah...alright,” he said cautiously, ears pink again.  “If you’re up for it, I mean.  If you have other things to do…”  I grinned at him and backed up into the open cargo hold, mat giving a little under my boots.  

 

“Bring it, Kaid.”

 

He came at me, fast and low, and barreled his shoulder into my abdomen.  The breath was almost knocked out of me as our bodies collided; he hit like a damn krogan.  My instinct was to bull straight back into it and try to force him to give ground, but I fought that.  He’d be expecting the resistance.  Instead, I wrapped my arms around him and stepped to the side, using his momentum to swing him ‘round and off balance. It did the trick; he was tossed off and the look of surprise on his face was priceless.  

 

“So that’s how it’s gonna go…” he chuckled before lobbing a blue ball of energy at me.  It smacked into my barrier, fizzing and popping as it dissipated.  I could tell this was going to be fun.

 

~~~~~~

 

Kaidan lingered in the mess, dallying over his umpteenth cup of coffee.  He seemed agitated.

 

“Something bothering you, Lieutenant?” I asked. He plunked down in one of the chairs and stared into his coffee mug.

 

“I...I guess, Commander.  Maybe a little.”

 

I stuffed the rest of my bagel in my mouth and dusted the crumbs off my hands.

 

“Shoot, LT,” I said around the mouthful.  He shook his head and bit the inside of his cheek.

 

“About the mission the other day…”

 

“What about it?” I sat down next to him and he chewed on his bottom lip a moment, fiddling with the handle to his mug.  

 

“I just...it bothers me that you didn’t see Dr Chakwas like I, um.  Asked you to.”  

 

“I’m telling you, I’m fine.  Nothing to worry about.”

 

“Yeah, but Commander -”

 

“ - when it’s just the two of us, one on one, you can use my actual name, you know.”

 

“ - um, alright.  Blakely.”  He rotated his mug in his hands again.  Almost nervous.

 

“Blake.   _Blakely_ is just awful.”

 

That earned me a tight smile and another turn of the coffee cup in his hands.

 

“Blake.  Heh.  Okay.  The thing is, the first few times I noticed it, I didn’t really think anything of it except we’d been running hard and your biotics were going constantly.  And it hasn’t happened every time, only occasionally, but…”

 

He shook his head.  I waited patiently, folding my hands in front of me.

 

“Look, Commander -”

 

“ - Blake.”

 

“ - Blake.  Something’s up, and you need to get it checked out before it gets serious.”  Kaidan stopped messing with his mug and looked me dead in the eyes.  Earnest.  “I…” Hard swallow. “...worry about you.”

 

I exhaled slowly through my nose.  His eyes were bright and that furrow was between his brows again.  The man absolutely dripped sincerity.  If I didn’t know any better, I would have sworn he was trying to flirt.

 

“Thank you for your concern, Kaidan, but it’s really nothing to worry about.  Trust me, I know.”

 

“You ‘know’?” He gave me a shrewd look.  “I wondered...”

 

“About?”

 

“Well, forgive me for being blunt, but you didn’t act dumb when I said ‘tachycardia’.”

 

“Yep.”  I winked at him.  “Williams might not know what it is, but I heard it often enough growing up. Faster than normal heart beat.  I, uh...had a congenital issue as a kid.  Heart murmur.  Gave me a little bit of trouble with arrhythmia.  I grew out of it, though...I appreciate your concern.”

 

“Huh.”  Kaidan chewed on his lower lip again, processing the new information.  I nudged him with my elbow, trying to break the serious mood.

 

“I worry about you, too, y’know.  With your migraines and all.”

 

His ears flushed a delicate pink and he dropped his gaze back down to his coffee.  It’s almost cute.  

 

“Fully functioning human being, Shepard,” came the muttered response.

 

I chuckled at that.

 

“Same, Kaidan.  Same…”

 

~~~~~~

 

We were running hard.  Trying to get through the colony as fast as we could, spare the colonists.  Not their fault they were unwitting science experiments.  My heart pounded in my chest, blood rushing in my ears.  My breath came heavy, but normal.  Controlled.  I checked my HUD stats: BPM: 135.  High, but not outlandishly so.  Not for being in the middle of a fire fight, at least.

 

Kaidan was on my six when we went into the underground bunker; so was Garrus.  We fought through wave after endless wave of those horrible Thorian creeper-zombie things and a clone of an asari.  BPM: 142.  We cut down another connection node to the Thorian, causing a huge roar and another clone to come at us.  Another fire fight with a biotic light show ensued.  I got hit with a wave of dizziness at the end of it, rotting stench of loam and putrid meat overwhelming my filter in my helmet.  BPM: 147.  Something brushed my arm and I whipped around, coming face to face with the lieutenant. He grabbed my elbow and braced his arm under mine, almost holding me up.

 

“Doing ok, Commander?” he asked, face studiously blank behind his face guard.  I grinned at him.

 

“Doing fine, LT, thanks for asking.”  

 

He gave a curt nod after a moment and moved away.  I fought the lightheaded feeling that threatened again after he let go of me and I had to support myself again.  BPM: holding steady at 146.  Garrus didn’t even spare a glance at us as he took point and peppered more of the weird, transmogrified humans with rounds.  The Thorian crashed to the bottom of the pit, releasing what looked to be another asari clone.

 

Except this one was different.  

 

Kaidan kept close by me while we questioned her.  She wasn’t a clone, she was Matriarch Benezia’s acolyte: Shiala.  And she had the key to unlock the visions from the beacon.  She said the only way to give it to me was to join our minds, like I previously had with Liara.

 

_“Try to relax, Commander.  Slow, deep breaths...let go of your physical shell.  Reach out to grasp the threads that bind us...one to another.  Every action sends ripples across the galaxy.  Every idea must touch another mind to live.  Each emotion must mark another’s spirit.  We are all connected, every living being united in a single, glorious existence. Open yourself to the universe...Embrace Eternity!”_

 

Unlike with Liara, Shiala was a brute force to be reckoned with.  Her mind latched onto mine, battering it with feathers made of razor steel, sifting through my thoughts and assaulting places it thought it could break.  My pulse started to rise the more I resisted the invasion.  I couldn’t help it; the more she pried at my mind, the faster I started to breath.  White static and blood red filled my head.

 

“Commander!”

 

Kaidan’s voice sounded like it was underwater, muted and slow.  I gasped.  Couldn’t breath.  Blood rushed through my ears, heart beat thumping faster and faster, chasing itself around my body.  It couldn’t keep up.  Gray started to eat my vision, the firelight carved down to points.  I floated through the air.

 

“Grab him, Garrus!  Get his helmet off!”  Kaidan’s panicked face drifted above mine, voice echoing.  Needed air...couldn’t breathe.  “BPM is 155 and climbing!   _Blake!_  Stay with me, Commander - ”

 

The last thing I saw was Kaidan’s face above mine, tight with worry.  He clutched at the clasps on my hardsuit.  Then darkness.

 

~~~~~~

 

I woke up what I could only assume had been hours later on one of the beds in med-bay.  My throat felt like someone had taken sandpaper to it, tongue thick against the roof of my mouth.  

 

“Dr Chakwas?  I think he’s waking up.”

 

The familiar rasp sounded as exhausted as I felt.

 

“Take it easy...there we go, go slow, Commander…”

 

 _Kaidan_.

 

He was there, helping me sit up and being careful of the IV lines.  The tape pinched my arm and I winced.  He gave me a sympathetic look before he stepped back and looked at the read-outs from the monitors next to the bed.

 

“How’s our patient, Lieutenant?” Dr Chakwas stood in front of me, stern look on her face.  I gave her a wan smile and coughed.

 

“All’s hell that ends well,” I choked out after a few tries.  He pursed his lips and handed me a cup of water with a straw.

 

“Easy now, Commander, go slow...BPM 58, Doc.  Holding steady.”

 

“Excellent.” She crossed her arms and leaned against the foot of the bed.  “This was incredibly troubling, Shepard.  While you were out, I reviewed your previous medical history and it corroborated with what Kaidan told me you admitted to him.  Heart problems are nothing to make light of, Commander, and the fact that you grew out of them when you were a pre-teen is encouraging.  But judging by the bio-statistics gathered from your hardsuit and Kaidan’s observances of you in the field, I can no longer ignore it.  I’m going to have to report to Parliament and Command that you’re physically unfit for duty.”

 

I took another swallow of the tepid water and grimaced.

 

“Doc, no...you can’t…”

 

“I can and I _will_ , Shepard.  The only reason you were allowed to join the military at _all_ was because you hadn’t had a recurrence for at minimum the two years before you enlisted.  If you had, you would have been politely told ‘no’.  Medical discharge is not a death sentence, you know.”

 

I looked over at Kaidan.  He had his arms crossed as well, and his forehead was furrowed in concentration.  I focused back on the doctor.

 

“In this case, it is, Doc. You don’t understand...People will _die_ if you take me out of this war!  The galaxy is on the brink of an extinction event.  I’m the only one who’s tracking Saren, and who knows about the Reapers!  Kaidan, tell her…”

 

He sighed, glancing between us.

 

“He’s right...The Council has done everything in their power to keep word of the Reapers from reaching the public, and the Alliance hasn’t exactly been forthcoming with support, either.”  He bit the inside of his cheek and shook his head.  “And he’s the _only_ one who has the visions and the cipher to interpret them.  We need ‘im.”

 

“But I have to let Captain Anderson - “

 

“ _No_.”  I swung my legs over the side of the bed, head swimming.  Kaidan rushed to my side, offering a supportive arm to lean on.  “Get this damn thing out of my arm - “ Another small coughing fit wracked my ribcage.  He waited patiently for it to quiet, then removed the IV.  I wished every medic I had the misfortune to meet had been as gentle as Kaidan.  “ - _Fuck_.  No word of this gets back to the brass.  They’ll yank me faster than a salarian can blink.  This _has_ to stay quiet.  Help me manage it until the end of the mission.  Then you can kick my ass from here to Arcturus.”  

 

“So what do we do?” Dr Chakwas sighed, beaten.  “We need a plan, and then a contingency plan just in case.”  Ever practical.  

 

“Y’know, there are breathing exercises that could help…” Kaidan mumbled.  She looked at him.

 

“How do you mean?”

 

He glanced at me and licked his lips before responding.

 

“A while back, I noticed when we were talking, Commander, that you were breathing and tapping your fingers for a count.  Trying to slow it all down.  It helped, just a little, but if we could do a more guided approach during episodes…”

 

Dr Chakwas pinched her lips together, brooding.

 

“It _could_ work...worth a shot, anyway.  I’ll need you with him almost constantly.  Just in case something like this happens again.  The _second_ anything starts looking out of the ordinary, page me.  I’ll keep the records on the side, as much as I can.  If there’s an inquiry, though, there’s not much I’ll be able to do without actively falsifying data.”

 

“Aye, aye, ma’am.”

 

“Excuse me, don’t I get a say in this?” I interrupted.  They both shot me a ‘look’.

 

“No.” Dr Chakwas snapped, crossing her arms over her chest again.  “You want it kept quiet?  Do what I say.  Then _maybe_ we’ll all come out of this alive.  Now get out of my med-bay and into bed, Commander.  You’re off duty for at least another 24 hours.  Kaidan?  Make sure he does it.”

 

~~~~~~

 

“Just breathe, Shepard…”

 

The words are a whisper, burned into my memory.  BPM: 105.  I’m helpless.  Liara’s holding her mother’s body and staring off into the void.  The battle was harsh, quick, and brutal.  I had never gotten caught in a stasis field so strong before and I saw Kaidan’s look of alarm as he ducked for cover from the commandos.  He shouted something, but I couldn’t hear him.  I couldn’t move, my heart rate skyrocketed, biotic field crackling and biting all over my skin.  The beats increased at an alarming rate and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it but listen.

 

I had activated my own, shoving the biotic field outwards, trying to find chinks and weakness in the stasis.  My biotics clashed with the matriarch’s, eventually dissipating it.  As soon as I had broken free, I fell to the ground.  BPM: 139.  Strong hands propped me up behind cover.

 

 _Kaidan_.

 

He was there, crouched in front of me and holding my helmet to focus on him.  Our eyes locked, his dark ones burning with an intensity I’d never seen completely focused on me before.   My heartbeat jumped again and I clutched his arm, trying to catch my breath.

 

“In for a four count, out for a five, Commander.  Breathe with me.”

 

He inhaled slowly, tapping out the count on my pauldron. I shook my head, gasping.  

 

“ _Blake_.  Try again.”  He shot a look over his shoulder, checking to make sure Garrus didn’t need support.  Wrex was taunting a few commandos where he was bunkered on the other side of the room.  Thank god Squad Two had been able to follow us.  “Stay with me, Commander, you’ve got this…”  Slow, steady taps on my chest plate this time, right above my heart.  BPM: 125.  I nod at him and released my grip on his bracer.

 

I could tell the lieutenant was concerned; he took point and kept the geth and asari commandos at bay with truly impressive feats, Garrus sniping them in support. Biotics flashed constantly, blue hell unleashed.  By the time the battle was over, I had recovered enough to talk to Benezia and the rachni queen, while Kaidan stood watch over Liara and the matriarch’s body with his pistol ready, a silent guardian against another potential attack.  I could feel his gaze boring into my hardsuit.  Maybe a guardian against more than another geth assault...  

 

Liara had hidden her face in my shoulder as Kaidan and Wrex moved the body and I rubbed useless circles on her back, like I had briefly after we rescued her.  She pressed her ear above my chestplate.

 

“It’s faster than I remember,” she whispered before letting go and sitting next to the body.  “Like...a little bird’s wings, trapped in a cage.”

 

Kaidan and I locked eyes over the prone asari forms in the belly of the Mako as we slowly drove back to Port Hashan. BPM: 111.  He mouthed one word.  

 

“ _Breathe_ …”

 

~~~~~~

 

I always liked being on the bridge in the middle of the nightcycle; nobody was around.  It was quieter.  Darker.  Almost cozy, even.  The vastness of the starfield, the glow surrounding the ship as we traveled FTL...amazing.  Nothing else like it. I sighed, arms crossed across my chest while I looked out the view ports.  It was easy to feel insignificant in comparison.

 

“Commander…?”

 

I turned around, startled.  Kaidan was standing behind me, uncertain look on his face.  We were the only two souls on deck.   

 

“I-I didn’t mean to scare you…” he faltered, rubbing the back of his hand across his forehead.  “It’s my turn for night watch.  The VI does most of the work; I’m just monitoring systems and making sure we don’t crash into planets.”

 

“You’re fine, Kaidan.  I was just admiring the stars.  Taking a quiet moment when I could,” I replied, moving out of the way.  

 

“Yeah...beautiful view.” He slid into the copilot’s seat. “I like watching them, too.  It’s peaceful.  Really makes you think....it’s so _big,_  and we’re so small in comparison, but...yeah.  Anyway.”

 

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.  Apparently we shared similar thoughts.  His face was tired in the shadows, orange glow from the navigation panel throwing it in soft relief.  The skin around his eyes was pinched.

 

“You doing alright?” I asked gently.  His dark eyes glittered in the low light when he looked at me.

 

“Yeah.  Just a little headache.  This’ll pass.  I should be asking _you_ that, though.”

 

“I’m ok, Kaidan.  I appreciate the concern.” We stared at the galaxy together in comfortable silence for a few moments before I sighed.  “I should go...busy day tomorrow.”  I gave one last look out the view ports before heading down the CIC.  Kaidan sighed and settled back in the deep seat.

 

“See you, Shepard.”

 

He sounded almost disappointed.  Hm.  My footsteps seemed louder than usual in the emptiness.  The mess was deserted when I went passed it to my quarters.  I had a brief thought and stopped right before my door, then turned around and went to the coffee machine.  What the hell, might as well.  Night watch could get rather lonely.

 

The two mugs left a trail of steam through the CIC as I passed the heat load monitors and back up to the bridge.

 

“Kaidan…?”

 

He twisted in the copilot chair, grin splitting his face in surprise.

 

“Hey, Commander!  What brings you back up here?  I thought you’d be hitting the racks.”

 

I handed him a mug before dropping carefully into Joker’s seat, blowing on my own to cool it off a bit.

 

“Yeah, but I’m not that tired and I thought you could use the company.  Stay with you awhile.”

 

I couldn’t be sure, but it looked like the lieutenant’s ears flushed as he checked his console for a moment.  It must’ve been a trick of the orange lighting in the dark; when he looked up at me a moment later, there was no trace.

 

“I’d like that.”

 

~~~~~~

 

I was laid out on a pile of rubble in the ruined remains of the Tower on the Citadel, bruised ribs aching.  Heartbeat thundering in my ears.  I was barely able to catch a breath.  Gray miasma sparkled in my peripheral as my vision field narrowed down to pinpricks. BPM: 157.  I was on the verge of passing out, I knew it.  I needed help.  A gauntleted hand grabbed mine and squeezed, no doubt trying to be reassuring.

 

“COMMANDER!”

 

The words echoed dully in my head, fighting with my pulse crashing around. I twined my fingers through theirs, grasping them as I fought to steady myself.  It wasn’t working.

 

 _Kaidan_.

 

No, not Kaidan.  The hand was too small, too slender.   _He wasn't there._  The wrong brown eyes peered at me behind the face shield.   _Ashley_.

  
“ _Breathe_ , Skipper!  You did it...You stopped the bastards...Just take it easy, Shepard, _breathe_ …”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
